Are you too much?

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The dance revelations continue…

I have learned a new move in Kizomba - the Lean.  Here is a link to show you what I mean.

The key with the lean as the follower (in this video a woman) is to completely relax.  You let all your weight fall onto your partner.

Most of us have the inclination to hold ourselves back.  To somehow keep our torso clenched or as much of our weight at possible away from our partner by tightening the leg.  

I have been amazed at my body’s natural reaction to shrink back and not put my weight on my partner.

Finally, my teacher had us switch roles and she leaned on me.  When she clenched I almost fell over. When she relaxed she was soft and easy to support.

I felt this rush of insight through my body as I had this experience.

What if our attempts to shield people from our selves cause them more pain and struggle than if we just let ourselves go into the relationship?

What if, when our weight (emotional or physical) is naturally flowing it is easy to support?

What if I’m not too much?

What if I learned I’m too much because when I hold tightly without opening up to support I can’t be helped?

What if I am creating my own isolation?

Perhaps it shouldn’t surprise me how closely the physical and emotional worlds align.  How much one has to teach the other and back and forth. It still does.

I do think this is a fine art.

At first, we don’t know we’re holding unless (in my case) my dance teacher points it out.  It can feel like I am letting go - after all it’s scary and my weight is way off centre.

So this isn’t just about letting out all our emotions on everyone.

Not at all.  This is about a relationship with ourselves where we can trust ourselves as part of the world.

This takes a lot of trial and error and feedback from others willing to do the work with us.

Perhaps it is a therapist who can say, with love -  “you seem to be really alone over there today?”

Or, “you have told me this before - what is the strength of this story for you?”

Or one million other ways of coming into relationship with you.  Of helping you into your most tender and true self. Of helping you peel back the layers and let go into something new.

As a therapist, I can confirm that a client who won’t let themselves feel or won’t look at something is much much more energetically tiring to work with than a client who lets themselves move in and out of big feelings.

Alongside big feelings, I feel relaxed.  Trusting. It is easy to support the expression.

What if you are not too much?

Alison Crosthwait