This is achingly common. The relationship on the edge of demise. For a long time.

To leave would mean the reconstruction of a life on pretty much every level. And you do love them, your heart is not entirely closed.

But to stay, oh, to stay is unpalatable. With his unwillingness to talk things out, his or her preference for sports and buddies and a few too many beers.

And so the agonizing continues. Some break up and get back together repeatedly. Some live in a state of private fury or devastation. And some couples live in outright conflict.

Often, people in these situations feel that if they can just make a decision, or their partner would just change, everything would be fine and their lives would morph into perfect lives of family, friends, and blissful domesticity.

One thing I think is helpful to think about is the dynamic of being “on the edge”. Hot and cold. In and out. Too good to leave, too bad to stay.

For now, anyway, this dynamic is the relationship. The late night fights. The long conversations with friends about what to do. The resolve to leave. And then the fear of hurting your partner. Or the deep attachment that brings you back.

This push and pull is what is going on. This is an attachment pattern. It is a nervous system pattern. It is the way your whole life is constructed. It is playing an extremely important role.

In this dynamic you are not able to be comfortable and safe. When you are comfortable and safe you can think clearly, take care of yourself and others in a grounded, intelligent, and compassionate way, you can work towards your dreams. When you are not comfortable and safe your life hangs in the balance. Your relationship problems become everything.

I’m using love relationships as an example here but this dynamic exists everywhere when you start to look for it - work, friends, family, creativity.

If you are “stuck” in a “cycle” the cycle is the thing. The cycle is life. It is the energy flow of what you are living.

Be in it, look at it, feel it, reckon with it. Take off the blinders of “if only they would change” and “this is temporary” and live the life you are in.

Bit by bit, as you do this, you can decide if this is the life for you.