SOMETIMES OUR THINKING IS DESPERATE
We are always in process. Everything is always moving and changing, and writing and speaking represent moments during all these changes. The more deeply I experience life the less solid ground there is - in some ways. And the more there is in others.
There is less solid ground in my thinking. There is less to rest on. There is less that is known and for sure.
And yet I am also more here. I can see and feel more clearly. This is a physical experience not an idea.
My experience is this:
Fear pushes us out of our bodies and into the realm of ideas and thinking.
And when we are afraid we cling to ideas as if they will save us.
So it isn’t really thinking at all but rather drowning people grabbing onto anything they can reach.
Then there is the kind of thinking that happens when we feel safe. When we can toss ideas around and allow our minds to wander, with others, creating labyrinthine spirals that end up at fascinating places. Because we don’t need to be right or saved we are just thinking.
I continue to be surprised at how troubled I am.
This is the owwww and the health of the work.
I say this to you to hold for each of us the ways we feel unsafe. To say to you that if you feel good and fine that is good, really good.
And also that living in this world is a lot and being oneself in this world - inhabiting the bodies we do - it is an intense experience.
And the extent to which you struggle with that experience may be unknown to you.
And so, often, the owwww is required before health can be restored.
Said another way, we need to realize how often we are drowning. Moment by moment. Flooded and unable to restore.
Until we can see it. Until someone puts their hand on our back or we lie on the ground and breathe. Until someone speaks to us with compassion rather than “swim harder!”. And then our breath deepens and we let go of the idea we think can save us and we swim...