How to be present on video calls - a therapist's perspective

We’re in a situation when for many of us much of our contact is online.

And we’re pretty ungrounded right now. It is a time of quite a bit of fear and stress when it comes to health, money, work, and relationships. It’s all amplified right now.

When we are afraid it is difficult to ground. It is difficult to be present. We go to our heads often and try to figure it out. Or we dissociate. Again - not present.

And so we have a perfect storm - more fear, less presence and more requirement to connect virtually.

As a therapist, I’ve been working online for a few years and this has increased in the past two weeks to include many clients who previously would never have met with me by video.

Here are some ideas to increase presence and connection on video calls - these could be therapy but they could also be with a friend or group support or a growth call or a business meeting where you want to bring presence and leadership.

1. Prepare

Before the call prepare yourself and your space. Here are some ideas:

Be well nourished

Wear comfortable clothes that you feel good in - even when you are staying at home putting on clothes you would wear to go out can uplift your mood and attention

Have a comfortable chair - I sometimes put a blanket over my knees or a heating pad under my feet

Have water, kleenex, notebook, pen, and your calendar beside your chair

Position your device and test the software before the call

Tell the people you live with you will be occupied and/or put a sign on the door

Clear your energy with breath, meditation, movement, essential oils - whatever you need to feel connected to yourself.

2. Be on time

This allows you to be calm and signals to the other person that they are important to you.

3. Breathe & connect to yourself

While on the call remember to breathe. Scan your body head to toe and feel yourself. Feel the floor supporting you and the chair too. Stay present in the room you are in.

If the person you are talking to is anxious or upset you might have more difficulty doing this. If this happens, imagine you are in an egg made of bright white light. You are safe in the egg and protected from other energy.

4. Pause & make eye contact

Take a breath between sentences and feel yourself and the other person. Look into the camera and at their eyes and feel their presence.

5. Take in non-verbal cues.

Notice what is happening with your conversation partner’s body and the expressions on their face. Notice their eye movements, their fidgeting. Feel what it is like to be with them - pay attention to more than words. Especially these days you can see a lot when you pay attention to a person - there are a lot of feelings close to the surface.

Depending on your relationship you may or may not say what you are noticing. Saying it is not the important part. It is noticing that you are in conversation with a whole being not just a stream of words. The act of noticing calmly brings you into the present moment and makes you more available for connection.

That doesn’t mean you take on another person’s energy or fix their problems - not at all. But when you are connected to yourself and from there see what is happening for another person the connection becomes more real and less anxious.

6. Be clear about time

Set expectations in advance so everyone is on the same page. And then respect those expectations. Don't assume that “no one has anything to do” unless this is mutually agreed.

7. Balance screen and non-screen time

Because for many of us connection, entertainment, distraction, information, work are all via screen right now we need to make sure we’re not always at the screens. Look out the window and where responsible go for a walk. Read. Draw. Move. Cook. Craft. Build. Tidy. Rest your eyes. Too many calls in a day can overwhelm the system and unground us making it difficult to feel calm and difficult to sleep.

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This is a start - I am sure there are many other things we will come to learn as we adjust to online connection. My clients have adapted much more easily than they expected to. I have as well.